What is Love Mapping?

Examine yourself from a separate perspective. What is your reaction towards whenever you hear someone mention the length of their relationship, and it completely exceeds your preconceived notion about the length of typical relationships. You hear scoffs in the crowd, claps and oohs of bafflement. Perhaps you hear a dismissive joke or cajoling. But what do you see in the clumsy, honest engagement of something that extensive? Something perhaps fragile, dwindling? No, they are firmly engaged and bonded with one another. How is this possible?

The study of this certain phenomena, of such an extensive relationship with seemingly no secrets to divulge is the primary focus for many counselors and researchers of the romantic bond between partners within a relationship. There are multitudes of supposed solutions to the eventual question within most individuals’ lives: how can one make it ‘work’? One of the most prominent solutions however, instinctively done by the happiest and most successful of couples is a certain action described by the Gottman Institute as “Love Mapping”. This art is the simple act of communication, and discussing with each other about one’s desires, goals, likes, dislikes, etc.
This seems off. Odd, and unnecessary, no? However this assessment is incorrect. Humans in the modern day instinctively close themselves off while in the normal routine, as it is a base desire for security and safety. Without consciously doing so, one may find themselves unable to emotionally connect with a partner, without a mere clue as to the reasons. It is because of a lack of communication, a lack of processing emotions and thoughts together. Love mapping is the practice of sitting down and taking it upon yourselves to open up to one another, to understand and empathize, and support each other. It is a necessity in any bond or relationship of significance, and is even recommended in meaningful friendships to nurture the bond the friends share.

Love mapping is unnerving, and leaves one feeling vulnerable. This is, however, a normal occurrence as it is the granting of permission for another to peer into yourself, and understand what your needs are, and what you desire to accomplish. The advantages of love mapping regularly are plenty. It allows one to develop better skills to cope and reach solutions in the midst of relationship conflict. It allows for a more significant bond to form, rather than superficial interaction such as “How’s the weather?”. The superior method to maintaining a relationship is the act of communication to little end, and to better understand one another so that everyone’s lives are enhanced by the bond, rather than limited by it.

It is the responsibility of the partners in the relationship to maintain the bond they share. It is truly important they communicate with each other in order to fully support and enhance each others’ lives. After all, how can you truly care for someone you do not truly understand? Sit down, open up, and maybe making a point to have a deeper conversation with someone may lead to a better, more honest relationship.

Tell Me What You Want – Opening Up the Lines of Sexual Communication

Communication is always going to be vital in every relationship if a couple wants to insure its success. Being able to express your needs, desires and thoughts to your partner is very important. It is also important that you are able to listen to those same things coming from your partner. If you cannot agree on some of these things, that’s when compromise enters the picture.

One of the biggest areas of miscommunication between couples is that of sex. There are many facets of this area that cause disagreements ranging from the frequency of encounters to the type of satisfaction provided. Women tend to be the worst offenders when it comes to not telling their men what they want in bed. Men, on the other hand, usually don’t have any issues with being vocal about whatever they want sexually.

The problem with women not being as open when it comes to sex probably started centuries ago when men were basically in charge of everything. Very few men ever thought about the importance of pleasing their girlfriends, wives or mistresses. They more or less took their pleasure and went about their business. Women weren’t encouraged to speak up because they weren’t even supposed to be interested in sex. It was a man’s pleasure and women were supposed to simply endure it. If a woman showed too much interest in sex, she was most likely considered to be a slut or a whore. On the other hand, it was to these very women that men ran to for the excitement that they didn’t elicit from their partners.

That’s not the case these days. Not only are women encouraged but they’re expected to enjoy quite an avid and healthy interest in having creative and lusty sex with their men. They’re not meant to pretend that they’ve had an orgasm or that they’re fully satisfied if that’s not the case. Yet, even in modern times, women still feel the need to protect the fragile ego of their men. That’s not the way to a successful relationship.

Couples that have been together happily for a long time swear by the importance of not only having sex, but also in talking about it. That doesn’t mean that you should talk it to death but, if there are some issues, those should be resolved and the only way to do that is through talking. Besides, if you talk things out beforehand, you can explain the rest through gentle direction during sex.

For instance, if a woman really wants a man to perform oral sex on her but he never seems to go in that direction; she should plainly tell him what she wants. Then, the next time they’re having sex, she can use movements to show him where he needs to go. The same is true for men when it comes to showing their partners something that they really like and want her to do. Working together in this manner makes sex and intimacy much more exciting for both partners.

Something to remember when talking to each other is that you need to keep any accusatory tones out of the conversation. When someone feels as if they’re being attacked in some way, they’re less likely to pay attention to what is being said to them. Instead, they go into full defense mode and refuse to hear the important things.

You’ll see that once your communication with each other is open, honest and caring, your relationship stands a much better chance of lasting a very long time; maybe even forever.

Use a Sex Agreement Form to help you bring up the topic of sex and open up the lines of communication.

A Lackluster Sex Life – Getting Your Sex Life Back on Track

Has your sex life hit a snag?

Does sex feels like just a routine, do you just do it out of a sense of duty? (If you even do it all).

If you answered yes, then you are not alone. Many couples reach a point in their relationship where they are no longer interested in sex for one reason or another. Whether it is the problems of everyday life invading your minds or there is just nothing attracting you to your partner.

Many persons find it difficult to make love when they have to be thinking about the bills or the children or illness, etc. It really is hard to perform when stressed, but it would be a good idea to make love to your partner because it is a really good stress reliever.

If you find yourself thinking about dinner for the kids or play dates, hire a babysitter for the night or let them have a sleep over at a trusted family member or friend.

If you once enjoyed being intimate with each other, then there is hope that the spark can always be rekindled. You just have to be determined go back to where you were or to be even better. Negotiating a sexual agreement is a great way to get things back on tract. Also, the following are a few ways you can rekindle the sexual intimacy:

  • If the kids are at home or you live with friends/ family, send them away for a night or, if you can afford it, go to a hotel.
  • If you are a couple that always have sex in the bedroom, go in the bathroom/kitchen/living room and explore other surfaces and techniques. Have sex under the shower with the water running down your bodies. Men lift your women up or lean her against the wall. Make it fun and stress free.
  • Have sex the wayhttps://sexagreements.com/?ap_id=drharmony you did when you just met – if you used to have sex anytime of the day and anywhere, then try that again. The key is to go back to where you were. What is it that attracted you to your partner? What is it that you liked about the sex?

Now to set the scene for lovemaking –

  • Get into the mood by sending each other intimate text messages in the day.
  • Men send your women flowers or chocolate, or simply send them lunch. The fact that you sent it without her asking means she is on your mind and every woman loves to know that their man is thinking about them. Ladies you can also send them gifts at work, send them something you know they like. Add an intimate touch to it – you can send them your lingerie and a message saying you’ll be home waiting for him to take it to you so that you can get dressed. He will now know what you want to happen when you get home and that you will be naked, waiting for him.
  • When he gets home make sure you are naked or wearing a bathrobe if you don’t feel comfortable walking around naked. Take the lingerie from him and prepare dinner in it, the visual will turn him on. Have dinner in the lingerie too, this is a prelude to what is to come.
  • Listen to some nice love songs and relax in each other’s arms.
  • Talk about how you met and what you loved about each other and this is sure to turn you both on. When you remember all the fun you used to have, you will want to relive that fun.
  • Increase your level of intimacy when you are ready to make love. Talk to each other; tell your partner what are your sexual likes and dislikes. Set the mood with wine or champagne, candles and roses.
  • Try new positions, and be creative. Prolong foreplay; stimulate your mind and senses before you begin penetration.

Try these tips and watch your light shine again, do not stop trying to please your lover. Be spontaneous and keep them guessing about what you’ll do next, and always make love like it’s the first time again. Don’t worry, stress makes it worse, just enjoy each other and you will be ok.

Why Sexual Intimacy Deteriorates After Marriage

The security of marriage should allow couples to explore their sexuality and feel comfortable making love to their partner and give them the freedom to do it more often. This is not the case though, as studies find that in many marriages sexual intimacy deteriorates after marriage.

Complacency is the number one reason for this, in my opinion. Couples get comfortable in their relationship; they feel as though they already have the prize so they don’t need to keep playing the game.  Women no longer dress attractive to come to bed, they have curlers in their hair and they sleep in sweats, etc. Men stop exercising, shaving and even showering, there is no longer any care as to how they look. Whatever you do though, never criticize your partner’s physical appearance; always find subtle ways to get them to improve. Criticizing will make it worse by lowering their confidence.

If your partner does not find you attractive then chances are the sex will be minimized. If there is any form of intimacy, it will not be out of a natural need and desire to be intimate, it will be out of a sense of duty and there is no pleasure in that. Couples need to take into account the fact that when they marry, they become one with their partner and they should ensure that their partner is being satisfied as well as themselves.

Routine sex is a big turn off; you have sex the same place, time and way once a week and expect to have a good sex life? That is just not logical, relationships need spice, and they need to be worked on and changed up a bit. Even if you have sex in your bed all the time, at least try new positions to break up the monotony and you will see improvement. Writing up a marriage sex contract can be a great way to introduce new things and keep your sex life constant and fresh.

Do not think that because you are married you should fulfill your ‘marital’ duty. Sex is not a chore, it isn’t something you should do out of duty. Making love should be done out of desire and mutual attraction. Let your intimacy flow based on your feelings for each other and you will never go wrong. Sex isn’t only intercourse, if at times you don’t feel like having intercourse but you are feeling a bit in the mood, there is always oral sex. You can give or receive and it is a good way to maintain intimacy in your sex life.

The only time some couples come in contact with each other is when they are having sex. There are no kisses in the mornings when they wake up or hugs when leaving for work. Try touching your partner without the goal of sex in mind and you will be surprised to see what this does for your relationship. Avoid only touching your partner when you want to have sex. Embrace and caress them every now and then.

Foreplay is usually forgotten when a relationship gets to this stage, but it adds to the pleasure for both participants. Spend time pleasuring each other in this way. When a woman gives birth the doctor tells her to place the newborn against her skin as soon as possible and this is because it increases the bonding experience of mother and child. This doesn’t apply to only mother and child so take your clothes off during lovemaking, and get that skin to skin contact with your partner.

Turn off the TV and do not answer your cell phone or emails when being intimate with your spouse. That time is for only the both of you and you should not allow anything to ruin it.

6 Ways to Use YouTube to Improve Your Sex Life

In today’s society there are so many things we can do and learn without having to pay a dollar. We can find almost anything on the internet and this sometimes makes life so much easier for us. There are things we want to know and are embarrassed to ask and many of us, myself included, are grateful for the invention of the internet. YouTube provides us with not only information, but videos to actually show us what to do.

In today’s society there are so many things we can do and learn without having to pay a dollar. We can find almost anything on the internet and this sometimes makes life so much easier for us.

So when your married sex life needs a little improvement, you can use YouTube to do that. Here’s how:

  1. Search for videos on how to improve your sex life – After doing this, you will see a lot of videos come up. Many will be stating reasons why your sex life needs improving and what could be going wrong in your relationship, while others will be stating the various ways to improve it.
  2. How to exercise for better sex – This search will show you various exercises geared at improving your sex life. They are designed to make you more flexible so that you can be more adventurous in bed. Not only are these fun, they are also educational and you will tone a few muscles in the process.
  3. Yoga for better sex – Here you will find yoga poses and positions that will definitely improve your sex life. You can try the ones you are most comfortable with and you will be surprised at how fun sex becomes. These will teach you to incorporate all aspects of yoga in your sex life to have earth shattering sex with your husband or wife.
  4. Sex Positions – This search will undoubtedly have you blushing. There is a wealth of video tutorials on countless sex positions available. The favorites of both men and women and positions on how to optimize stimulation as well.
  5. Oral Sex – Tips and tips galore! There are tips on how to give oral sex to women and men here. If your husband doesn’t know what to do, you can take him to YouTube and vice versa. These videos will make you feel like you are being taught in a school or by a sex therapist.
  6. Foreplay – This search will result in numerous videos on how to give or enhance foreplay, whether by hand or mouth and will also show you how to give foreplay without even touching your spouse. Some will teach you how to give foreplay all day long via the various methods of technology now at our disposal.

Whether your sex life is in a rut or you are just looking for ways to make it better, YouTube is where you will definitely find great solutions. There are tutorials on just about every question you may have and they are free and at your disposal. If your wife doesn’t like your oral sex skills or you just need to learn new tricks to make her melt, that is where you can learn. With YouTube, you will be able to see and not only read the answers to your questions. Watch your videos and enjoy!

Use these tips along with our Marriage Sex Contract to spice up your love life!

How To Make Your Husband Want More Sex

It is very frustrating when one partner wants sex more than the other. Though there are many ‘toys’ now available for our intimate needs, we prefer a person, in particular, our special person that we are in love with. Men aren’t the only ones who sometimes don’t get enough sex. Women suffer from this too, and it is just as hard for a woman as it is a man.

For the women who want to get their husbands more interested in sex, follow these tips:

  1. The first thing you have to do is to find out why he has lost interest in sex. After you have discovered this, then you can move forward and try to find a solution to the problem. If his sex drive is lowered because of stress or alcohol or low testosterone levels, this can be fixed. Find out what is stressing him out and help him to get through it and hopefully all will be back to normal. For alcohol, you have to get him to stop drinking, if he is an addict then you will have to get him into an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and get him help. If his testosterone levels are low, there are medications for that but use that only if after trying these tips, nothing works.
  2. Seduce him – Wait on him when he gets home from work and make sure you are dressed attractively, but you don’t have to be naked. Make him his favorite meal, be extra nice and cater to his every need. Be attentive and let him feel in control as you watch him fall right in your net of seduction. Maintain eye contact and find reasons to touch him. For example, reach into his pocket for the keys, or rest your head on his shoulders and tell him you feel a bit faint.
  3. Say his name – Instead of using pet names, address him by his name. He will know that you are thinking of only him and no-one else.
  4. Compliment him – If your husband is one of those who thrive off of compliments, then you need to be showering him with them. Give him a verbal fore-play, tell him how big and strong he is and how thick and firm his muscles are today. He will be feeling like a king and more open and interested in sex after this.
  5. Flirt with him – Bat your lashes, lick your lips, he is your husband and you should know what he likes and what will turn him on. Dip in your little bag of tricks that have worked on him before and try them again.
  6. Flashback – Remind him of a particular sexual escapade that you think he enjoyed the most. Just randomly bring it up in your conversation and watch him rise to the occasion. Include him in your story by saying things like “did you remember when we did this?” or “I liked it when you did this, did you enjoy it?” He will be ready and waiting for you.

Remember that you have to find out what the issue is first and then work on making it better. Try to negotiate an fun arrangement with him. You can use our Marriage Sex Contract to guide the way and get him excited about sex again. We hope he is all over you again soon!

Enhance Your Sex Life with Porn

Most people find porn to be something dirty or otherwise offensive. A significant portion of that group of people is typically female. On the other hand, men tend to enjoy looking at and reading porn. It provides quite a bit of excitement for them sexually and many men use it as a masturbatory aid. In the case of couples, though, porn can be quite the sexual aid. However, there are some rules that apply.

Which type?
The type of porn used should be something that excites both of you; not just one of you. Generally, there are types of porn that both partners enjoy just as there are different types that the partners like separately. A good example of this is the popularity of girl on girl porn. Numerous men love to watch lesbians in action as well as lesbian couples themselves. On the other hand, many straight women do not seem to relish the idea of watching two women having sex. If your situation is such where one of you enjoys watching women together and the other one does not, it will be necessary to find another form that you both may find exciting. There are couples, though, where both partners love to watch women with other women. In these cases, lesbian action is perfect to get the juices flowing, so to speak.

Opening up
Unless you are adamantly against a particular type of porn, it is always a good idea to try to open your mind a bit. For instance, many women enjoy watching a video of a man masturbating. This may not do the trick for a lot of men simply because of psychological reasons. If these men understood just how turned on their women become while watching this type of porn, they might decide to change their minds about it. In fact, they don’t even have to watch the video. They can simply watch their female partners watching the videos and enjoy how excited they get. This will also help to rev up the guys because of how excited their women are.

The setup
The best way to use porn to enhance your relationship is to actually plan an evening alone where you will not be disturbed. Now, while it is quite possible these days to find all of the porn videos that you want on the Internet; it is a lot more fun if you can watch these videos on a television screen rather than a computer monitor. That leaves plenty of room for you and your partner to act on your building passion while you watch the movie. You won’t have a computer in the way.

Pretend that you and your partner are actually the actors in the movie and that you are the ones doing what they are. It can be one of the most exciting experiences the two of you have ever had together. Let the movies give you ideas to try out later. You can even incorporate these ideas into a spicy Sex Agreement.  Nothing is more titillating than something new, different and, yes, even forbidden. Porn videos offer quite a variety of those very ideas.

9 Health Benefits of Sex

Sex is one of the most amazing things that the human body is capable of experiencing. Actually, all creatures have the ability to have sex but it is the humans that tend to do it for reasons other than reproducing. Couples enjoy engaging in sexual activities for the physical and emotional pleasure it brings. It is also the ultimate declaration of romantic love for another person.

Something else that sex can do is help people stay healthy. While it may surprise many people, the fact is that there are various health benefits associated with having sex. In fact, doctors recommend having sex at least three times weekly.

Following are 10 of the top health benefits of sex:

  1. Stress reduction: Having sex is shown to relieve stress by reducing blood pressure. Research has documented that sexually active people deal with stress much better and aren’t as nervous when presented with difficult tasks as those people that don’t have sex very often.
  2. Improves the heart: Older people may believe that the efforts spent in having sex can lead to a stroke or a heart attack. This is simply a myth. Frequent sex is not the cause of a stroke or a heart attack. Rather, sexual intercourse decreases the risk of having a fatal heart attack. Therefore, you should feel thankful the next time you have the chance to engage in a vigorous sexual encounter.
  3. Pain reliever: It seems as if the singer Marvin Gaye knew what he was talking about with the song “Sexual Healing.” Studies show that there are various types of pain that can all begin to improve following sex. These include such things as arthritis and PMS symptoms. Oddly enough, having sex also relieves headaches. That sort of puts a stop to those “Sorry, not tonight. I have a headache” excuses. The reason for the healing is through the release of oxytocin hormones as well as increased endorphins.
  4. Strengthens pelvic floor muscles: Women that engage in Kegel exercises will understand that sex offers this particular health benefit. The movements can be the same as the exercises only they are more effective in strengthening this area and offers more pleasure in the process.
  5. Boosts immunity: Couples that have sex at least twice weekly have been found to have good levels of antibodies known as immunoglobulin A or IgA. These are the antibodies that protect against such health issues like colds and other infections.
  6. Burns Calories: For people watching their weight and counting calories, sex is a great way to burn some of those unwanted calories. It has been found that 20 to 30 minutes of sexual activity burns over 85 calories.  These facts support the theory that sex is an excellent form of exercise and should be incorporated into any weight loss program.
  7. Lowers prostate cancer risk: Studies document that men having frequent ejaculations of 5 or more times weekly while in their 20’s have less risk of developing prostate cancer later in life than those men that don’t.
  8. Nature’s sleeping pill: People that find themselves unable to sleep at night should try having sex. It has been proven to be more effective that those over the counter sleeping aids. Orgasms release oxytocin, which promotes good sleep.
  9. Better than Midol for women’s cycles: Menstrual cramps have been known to be relieved by having sex. Having sex during a woman’s cycle has long been considered taboo but there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. In fact, it is better than taking pain relievers for those pesky, painful cramps.

The next time that you start to question whether or not you’re in the mood to have sex, think back to this list of health benefits provided just by doing something that is fun and feels amazingly good! You just might change your mind.

Keep sex a vital part of your relationship. Use our Sex Agreements to spice up your sex life and maintain intimacy.

I want my man to sweep me off my feet like Christian Grey. What do I do?

What woman in a relationship does not want to be swept off of her feet? Actually, that may be the most recurring fantasy that any married woman has. She closes her eyes and imagines her husband doing the unthinkable; whisking her away to an exotic, romantic location or even just a delightful little bed and breakfast for a weekend or a week. He has made all of the arrangements right down to packing her luggage for her. All she has to do is enjoy the trip!

In the book, Fifty Shades of Grey, Christian Grey does exactly that with Anastasia Steele. He is rich, powerful and physically perfect. So what does it matter that the only sexual encounters he has are those of a rather dark and dominating nature? Besides, don’t a lot of women want to be dominated sexually? According to the popularity of the book and the anticipation of the movie, more than just a handful of the straight female population want to be dominated by a rich, powerful and pretty man. In fact, quite a few women are trying to figure out how to get their husbands on board with this type of behavior.


If you are serious about getting your husband to do a bit of sweeping you off of your feet, the first thing that you must do is sit him down for an open and honest chat. A glass of wine or a beer might help to ease you into the main purpose of your conversation. Get him relaxed and open to hearing what you have to say. Then, just explain to him what you want. You may want to present it to him as a fantasy of yours. You can even whip out our Kinky Contract and go through the document together. It always helps as an ice breaker.

Most men are more than happy to comply when it comes to fulfilling the fantasies of their women, as long as it does not involve them wearing women’s lingerie or something (although, some men are into this also, and that’s perfectly ok! It’s only a bit of fun right?).  He may surprise you and jump right on board with the whole thing.

Give Him the Book

The easiest way to explain what you want of your husband is to present him with a copy of the book Fifty Shades of Grey. Copies of this book are available in all formats including ebooks (audiobook is perfect if he’s not into reading). In that way, he can read it without anyone else knowing that he is doing so, if that is something that bothers him. Everything is pretty detailed in the book so it should be rather simple for him to understand. If you are not married to a reader, then you have a couple of choices. One of them is to read it to him yourself. Make it a bedtime story for a few nights. The other choice is to insist that he attend the movie with you. There are enough hot scenes for him to watch that he probably won’t mind going once he is there. He can pick up some cues just from watching the interaction between Christian and Anastasia.

Give Him the Help He Needs

Once he has read the book or seen the movie, sit down together and talk about it. There are some rather dangerous elements to the BDSM scene, and there are some rules that need to be followed. One of the most important ones is that you have an agreed upon “safe word.” This means that when you have had enough of something, or it is truly hurting you in some, you say this word and he stops immediately with no questions asked. There can be such a thing as too much of something. Some couples use “Red Light,” “Yellow Light,” or “Green Light.” These translate to Stop, Slow down a little, and Oh my god, keep going because that feels so good! These words should all be pretty easy to understand, even in the heat of the moment.

Help your husband figure out ahead of time the parts of the book that really turned you on and what you would be most excited for him to try out on you. Find out if there are any parts that he really liked or were not comfortable with doing. Sex is supposed to be fun, after all, and should never be unpleasant for either partner.

Praise, Praise and More Praise

Once you and your husband have managed to figure out a day for this new fun experiment and have actually turned fantasy into reality, don’t forget to tell your husband how awesome he was. Praise will go a long way to encourage him and make him want to do it again. Criticism is usually one of the worse things that you can offer a man when it comes to his sexual performance. Most of the time, they are quite sensitive to this topic and do not take it well when they are told they are lacking in some way.

Begin by telling him how amazing he was. When you have his confidence built up, find a way to gently suggest a different way to do anything that you found unpleasing. This does not mean that you have to tell him he sucked. It only means that you might say something like “You know, I really liked that thing you did with the ropes, but next time, do you think we might try it another way?” Bring him into finding the solution to anything that was problematic. If he feels a part of it, he will not take it as criticism.

Open His Mind

Obviously, if you get him to be Christian Grey once, you can get him to do it again. Discuss with him whether you would both like to continue playing out your fantasies. Use our Kinky Contract to get the erotic conversation rolling.

Play the part of Anastasia so perfectly that he truly feels like he is the one in control. That is a pretty heady sensation for most men unless they happen to be true submissives. In that case, you probably should just keep that fantasy on hand for you and your shower massage. On the other hand, for those men that are open to trying new things; Fifty Shades of Grey is the ideal way to open his mind even further for more adventures in the future.

How to avoid a scam when hunting for a BDSM Partner

When looking for a BDSM relationship or hookup online, please be aware of online scammers. As with any dating scene, there are trustworthy members and then there are the bad apples you need to look out for. Here are some tips to avoid being scammed:

  1. Choose a reputable BDSM dating site or social network – But don’t rely on the site to keep you safe. Even if a site is reputable, an unscrupulous member may try to take advantage of you. Although a dating site may have strong measures to keep out/ban scammers, they can’t control every single interaction between their members. Take the responsibility onto yourself to stay cautious. Here are some sites you may like to try:

Vanilla Umbrella – a discreet BDSM Fetish Kink dating mobile app. This app has safeguards in place including one account per device (to avoid fake profiles) and does not allow findom (financial domination) or other money exchanges including prodomme services. It’s for those genuinely interested in meeting, dating, chatting with like-minded people.

Kinky Jungle – a discreet BDSM Fetish Kink social network similar to Fetlife, however, KJ is mobile friendly and is very easy to use.

  1. Local is safer – Scammers like long distance relationships as it reduces their likelihood of getting caught. If you want to meet a real partner or lover, staying local is probably your best bet. Don’t forget your offline options too. These include local munch meetings, kink communities and events. You can still come up against scammers but at least you’ll get the chance to meet them in person and to build some trust. If you need help, don’t be afraid to reach out to someone. Many kinksters will be happy to help you, especially if you feel you’re in trouble.
  2. Being asked for money – Do not wire any money to someone you’ve only met online. There are Mistresses and even Doms out there who demand or request money without ever intending to meet you or to provide you with any service. They often call it a “contract fee” or a “commitment fee”. These are scams. There is no way of getting your money back after you send it (whether you pay by credit card or you deposit money into their personal account). If you want to book a BDSM session with a prodomme in Her dungeon, that’s a different story. Although, we do suggest you pay in person and, unless you’ve had dealings with the prodomme before and you’ve built some trust, only pay for one session at a time.

A good example….

Recently a slave wrote to us asking whether he was liable to pay Mistress’s “contract termination fee”, as She called it. The slave had met Mistress online (never in person). She had required an upfront payment (few thousand dollars) to enter into a Contract which She had sent to slave by email. Under the Contract, they were meant to meet in person for several sessions. The slave signed Her contract and sent the money. After She received payment, Mistress reneged on Her promise to meet the slave and also never signed the Contract Herself. A few months later, this Mistress proceeded to tell slave that he must pay another sum of money in order to be set free from the Contract he signed. Of course, he did not owe ANY obligations to this so-called Mistress. However, she had manipulated him to the stage where he felt unsure.

The moral of the story? If someone (even a prodomme) asks you for money or gift cards before meeting you in person, don’t fall for it. It’s sure to be a scam and you’ll most likely never see your money again, not even if they say it’s “refundable”. Who are you going to complain to if they decide not to refund your money? As for BDSM dating, last time I checked, dating someone is still free, so anybody wanting money to be your online Mistress/Master, that’s a scam!

Aside from asking you for money to enter into some form of contract or relationship, scammers like to play on your sympathy. They’ll tell you they need your help for an emergency or they need money for their sick relatives or even needing money to come and see you. Don’t send them any money please.

  1. Personal details – Do not reveal your phone number, address or other personal/contact details unless you’ve met someone in person and developed a sense of trust. When meeting in person for the first time, choose a public place.
  2. Do some research – Try searching for the person’s username or title (e.g. Master/Mistress xyz) or their surname into a search engine. See whether they’ve been reported for scams before. You could even copy and paste the content of their message into the search field. They might be sending a standard scam message to lots of potential victims. Another way to research a scammer is to use their photo. Upload it to tineye.com or Google Goggles to see where else it appears. They may have stolen it from someone random or from a model. I also recommend the following public data search services Public Data and People Finders.
  3. Avoid a computer virus – As with any message you receive, be careful about the attachments you open from someone you’ve never met. It could be a virus.
  4. Are you chatting up a bot? – If the person you’re messaging always responds immediately or within 10 minutes then it could be a bot.

We hope this gives you some guidance about dealing with scammers in the BDSM online dating world. You can find more tips and resources about keeping safe online by doing a web search. Use your common sense and ask yourself why does this person want this from me?

Also, we have discovered that some of these scrupulous Dominants are using a contract which has our website name on the top. These are not our Contracts forms and we are not associated with such persons in any way. If you didn’t get the contract from our site, it’s probably a fake. Please note our BDSM Contract Forms are designed for couples who are or intend to start a relationship without any requirement for payment or compensation. Our contract templates are intended to help couples negotiate and grow their bond, they are not a fee-for-a-service type contract. We are not associated with any person or product that requires payment in order to have a D/s relationship with you. We suggest you cut off all communication with such persons and report them to the police.