5 Ways To Nurture Emotional Intelligence For Kids

emotional intelligence children playing laughing outside

Emotional intelligence (EI) is a hot topic these days and the focus of more than a few parenting books and articles. Whether you have children or work with them, there are only so many hours in the day, which can make it challenging to process all of the latest findings on EI, much less apply them to everyday life. This single topic happens to be my passion so allow me to bottom line some of the more compelling findings for you, along with 5 ways you can pull these findings into everyday life to help children grow their emotional intelligence. EI Research Let’s start with the findings:

EI Application

Okay, so now with hours of reading reports and journals aside (you’re welcome), you can direct your attention to the best part of EI --- the practical applications. How can we as adults, parents, educators, grandparents and more, nurture emotional intelligence in children? And more than that, how can we make this learning fun?

5 Ways You Can Nurture Emotional Intelligence in Children:

1. Unstructured playtime. 

Ugh wait, I said “fun” and then lead the list with this?!  Well yes, but hear me out. When children are given ample unstructured playtime, particularly when that playtime happens alongside siblings and/or friends, they are faced with countless opportunities to practice the four components of EI -- social skills, self-awareness, awareness of others and the ability to care for themselves.

Four components of emotional intelligence

During unstructured playtime, children also have the opportunity to practice conflict resolution and problem solving, both higher-level functions of the brain. Unstructured free play changes the neurons in the part of the brain responsible for these developmental skills.  This means that playing “house” or building a tiny world with blocks is more than just loads of fun—it helps kids form vital connections in their brain, connections that lead to not only classically smarter kids, but more mindful, empathetic and compassionate children as well. Dr. Stuart Brown, founder of the National Institute of Play, discusses the science of play in building emotional intelligence in children here

2. Playing games. 

In the words of parenting expert Dr. Daniel Siegel, you’ve got to “name it to tame it.”  Playing board games and card games designed to encourage children to share their ideas and feelings is a great way to foster EI.  Spending a few minutes each morning or at the end of each day playing a game like PeaceMakers can make practicing social and emotional skills fun -- like hiding kale in your smoothies to eat more greens kind of fun.   Playing games gives children the opportunity to practice taking turns, cooperating, expressing themselves and more. In the words of someone far wiser than I, "Play is the highest form of research." (Thank you, Einstein.)

3. Talk about feelings in everyday life. 

When reading a book or watching a movie, pause now and then to talk about the main character’s feelings. Ask children what they think a character might be feeling and why. Encourage them to imagine what it might feel like to be in the character’s shoes. The RULER method is an effective tool for identifying emotions in oneself and others. Take a look at how this model could be used during read-alouds.  

RULER Method

Recognize: Recognize the emotion. How is the character feeling? How do you know they are feeling that way? Understand: Understand why they are feeling that way. What happened that made the character feel that way? When is a time that you have felt that way? Label: Choose a word(s) that best describes the feeling. Think happy, sad, mad, calm, scared, excited and so on….  What word do you think best describes what the character is feeling? Express: Discuss how one can one appropriately express how they are feeling. How did the character act when feeling ___? How do you act when feeling ___? Regulate: Discuss how to maintain feelings (if it is desirable) or shift feelings (if undesirable). What could you do when you feel ___? What could you do to help a friend when they feel ___? For more great info on using this method for read-alongs and sharing personal stories, read here.

4. Model emotional intelligence. 

Kids develop a strong awareness of feelings early on and they can often feel the energies of others, meaning they know when you are feeling angry and tense and they know when you are open and playful, often just with your body language alone.

mother and daughter

Sharing your emotions with your children is an effective way to model EI. Call out the emotion, name it and explain why you think you might be feeling this way.  For example, if you’re feeling frustrated you might say, “I'm feeling frustrated! I asked for the shoes to be picked up and I still see the shoes on the floor. I feel like no one is listening.”  Notice the words “I am feeling … I feel like.” These simple phrases send the message that your feelings are your own. This teaches empowering lessons that no one can make us happy/sad/mad/frustrated. Those vibrations are within us and we have the power to change our thoughts, our emotions, and our actions.  When we put our feelings on others by saying things like, “Why doesn't anyone ever listen around here?! You make me so frustrated.” we send discouraging messages that other people have more power over our emotional state than we do.  Noticing your mood states, naming them aloud and working to tame them, models EI for your children … not only noticing and expressing big feelings but regulating behaviors as well. So, if the mood in your home feels totally different on a playful Saturday afternoon versus a hectic morning before school, take a few moments to point out this difference to help grow your child’s EI (and yours too).

5. Encourage introspection and self-expression. 

Carol Dweck, psychologist at Stanford University and author of the book Mindset, has taught us the importance of cultivating a growth mindset in children as opposed to a fixed mindset.  According to Dweck, when we praise effort and teach children that their brains can grow, we foster a growth mindset. Conversely, when we praise the outcomes of our children, we nurture a fixed mindset, making it more likely for children to wilt in the face of challenges in fear of not having certain desired abilities.  What does this mean for us as parents? The next time your child shows you a Play-doh creation or painting they've just completed, ask them to share their thoughts and feelings about their creation with you and praise the effort. 

Child with multi-colored hand paint

Let’s see these concepts in action, shall we?  Your child comes to you and excitedly exclaims, “Look at my painting mom!” Replying with a pat answer like, “Awesome!” or “That’s so pretty!” or praising the outcome with, “You’re such an amazing painter. You are my little artist.” are examples of a fixed mindset response.  A growth mindset response looks like,  “Wow! You used so many different colors. Can you tell me about your picture?” or, “Thank you for showing me this! What is your favorite part?” or, “You look so happy. Did you have fun making this? Was it easy to do, hard to do?” etc.  The list of possible questions is endless. Using a growth mindset approach allows children the valuable experience of self-reflection and sharing with you as their attentive and supportive audience. This opportunity to talk might even create an opening for them to share about something completely unrelated that is weighing on their mind.

Releasing Perfect

By practicing the many components of emotional intelligence with children on a daily basis, we teach children that emotions aren’t something to shy away from or be scared of.  Teaching EI can feel like a heavy responsibility as we ourselves are working to do the same. Let go of thinking that you need to be "perfect" in regulating your emotions in order to teach EI. Instead, embrace your humanness and shift your focus to being present with your children.  If you find yourself reacting to something or another and/or raising your voice to your children more than you would like, then use the experience to release perfect and model what is like to make mistakes, make amends and ask for do-overs.  Be honest with your child as you express your emotions by saying something like, "I'm sorry I just yelled, I'm feeling really overwhelmed." In these moments, feel good knowing that not only are you practicing and thereby modeling self-awareness, but you are teaching your child about forgiveness and the all-important life lesson that our mistakes can help us learn and grow. 

"Our mistakes can help us learn and grow."

And there are few more important lessons in life than this.

_____________

Generation Mindful creates tools, toys, and programs that nurture emotional intelligence through playing positive discipline. Join us and receive joy in your inbox each week.

Time-in Toolkit in action

What Co-Regulation Looks Like

parenting skills and coregulation

What co-regulation looks like

A young child is so frustrated and overwhelmed that she just hit her big sister.

As the adult responsible for managing this moment, can we comfort and protect one child while disciplining and guiding the other? And can we do this without shaming or hurting the child who did the hurting? The answer to both questions is yes, but how?
  • We do this with tools and support.
  • We do this when we model the skills we want to teach.
  • We do this via co-regulation.
Homeschooling mom of two, Angela, shows us what this looks like in the short video below when one hits the other. Here's what happened in Angela's own words: "My daughter Lila spent a long time trying to make a baking hat out of paper. She became frustrated with the results and abandoned it, deciding she was ready to start baking instead. But she clearly wasn’t over her big feelings — pushing her sister who was washing hands first, and yelling at both of us." It wasn’t really about washing hands. It was about her frustration and disappointment from before. I gently but firmly reminded her that I understood that she was frustrated about the hat but that I could not let her hurt her sister’s body. Giant meltdown. Lila began screaming and hanging on to my body while simultaneously pushing me away. I’ve learned that when Lila is upset, she wants to be close but she doesn’t want to be held. So I moved away a bit and sat on a step-stool, suggested a calming strategy, and told her I would be available when she was ready. She continued to cry for a couple of minutes longer, then bravely began to count — it is so brave to decide to change your own feelings right in the middle of some tough ones! You can hear her voice gradually get calmer as she counted. Lila counted all the way to 30, then lifted her finger to “blow out a candle”: I asked if she was ready for a hug, and she climbed into my lap to accept the connection. All of this is the result of our work with Generation Mindful’s Time-In Toolkit, which I couldn’t recommend more." - Angela (@AngelaMomtessori) This is co-regulation. Instead of:
  • dismissing (going away or putting the child away/in time-out)
  • threatening, (yelling, hitting, shaming)
  • or rescuing (moving in to solve the frustration instead of allowing her child her experience)
...Angela is teaching her child how to gain control over her body and to manage her emotions. Regulation is a Skill Regulation involves one person staying present for another through a challenging experience such that the stressed individual experiences greater self-awareness. Much like math, science, and reading, self-regulation is a skill to be learned. For children to learn these skills, they must be taught.  Self-regulation is taught through co-regulation. 

Co-regulation before Self Regulation

Co-regulate to Self Regulate Co-regulation takes two. You and your little one. On the same team.  As humans, we are not born with the tools to self regulate. Notice a newborn’s cries as it seeks its mother for comfort. Or the toddler who is whining or throwing a tantrum in the middle of the store. These are signs that they need help to build the skills of regulation.  How is this done?
  • Build a relationship with your child through connection. Get eye level (or below) and be with them in their state of emotion. Parenting is not something you do to your child but rather a relationship you build. Hear and validate your child’s emotions. A younger toddler will likely need help putting words to their experience. You can help by naming what you see and then offering calming strategies as needed.
  • Provide a warm environment where all feelings and emotions are allowed and sacred. Structure the environment to make regulation playful and manageable. The use of a Calming Corner helps create a safe space for children to feel and regulate.
  • Model the awareness and regulation you want to teach. Co-regulation involves seeing and being seen. Hold awareness of your own internal climate and demonstrate naming and taming your emotions. Our children learn most by what they see (even more than by what we say)!
As your child becomes more comfortable understanding the sensations in their body and labeling them, she will be better equipped to develop skills of independently choosing calming strategies … tools to maintain pleasant feelings and to work through unpleasant ones. 

My Feelings Chart

Letting Go Of Perfect. We, all of us, make mistakes. Luckily, perfection is not a requirement for regulation.   When we let go of being perfect, we make it safe to make mistakes … both for ourselves and our child.  (I'll take present over perfect all day long.) So, if we as parents stumble from time to time (or even flat out face plant), it is okay! Co-regulation stretches beyond teaching the skills of how to regulate --it’s also teaching skills for when we miss the mark on regulating.  Take Angela’s experience, for example. Say she had not been able to regulate herself amid Lila’s big emotions. Say she was not able to keep her cool for the sake of co-regulation … What would the story have looked like then? Perhaps, if that were the case, she would have used that experience as another teaching moment to model making mistakes, making amends and offering a do-over.  When we are unable to self regulate amid our child’s own dysregulation, we can choose to open a dialogue. “I felt frustrated and I yelled. That wasn’t my highest self. I am sorry. Have you ever felt frustrated or mad? Next time I feel frustrated, I will work on taking some deep breaths. What calming strategies do you want to try when you feel frustrated? … Can we have a do-over?” So the next time you hear whining or the sounds of anger, frustration, sadness, or overwhelm, pause and see that your child is not giving you a hard time but rather having a hard time. Lean in and give co-regulation a chance.  Pause. Breathe. Allow for the feelings. Hold to your boundaries. Connect before you correct. With tools and support, we really can love our way through the hard moments. Regulation is a skill, so let's teach it.

_____________

Generation Mindful creates tools, toys, and programs that nurture emotional intelligence through playing positive discipline. Join us and receive joy in your inbox each week.

Time-in Toolkit in action

Peacemakers Card Game in action

Which Is Better: Smoking Or Vaping?

Crazed Marijuana Vaping (e-Cigarette) Trend The vaping craze took the world by storm and caused a lot of fuss! It is one of the hippest trends and many people have started to use e-cigarettes instead of the traditional tobacco ones. The same thing goes with cannabis usage, as many users have walked away from traditionally [...]

The post Which Is Better: Smoking Or Vaping? appeared first on GC.

Mourn, baby, mourn

Just as no two women are alike, there are multiple ways of handling the grieving process after a failed marriage.

Tell Me What You Want – Opening Up the Lines of Sexual Communication

Communication is always going to be vital in every relationship if a couple wants to insure its success. Being able to express your needs, desires and thoughts to your partner is very important. It is also important that you are able to listen to those same things coming from your partner. If you cannot agree on some of these things, that’s when compromise enters the picture.

One of the biggest areas of miscommunication between couples is that of sex. There are many facets of this area that cause disagreements ranging from the frequency of encounters to the type of satisfaction provided. Women tend to be the worst offenders when it comes to not telling their men what they want in bed. Men, on the other hand, usually don’t have any issues with being vocal about whatever they want sexually.

The problem with women not being as open when it comes to sex probably started centuries ago when men were basically in charge of everything. Very few men ever thought about the importance of pleasing their girlfriends, wives or mistresses. They more or less took their pleasure and went about their business. Women weren’t encouraged to speak up because they weren’t even supposed to be interested in sex. It was a man’s pleasure and women were supposed to simply endure it. If a woman showed too much interest in sex, she was most likely considered to be a slut or a whore. On the other hand, it was to these very women that men ran to for the excitement that they didn’t elicit from their partners.

That’s not the case these days. Not only are women encouraged but they’re expected to enjoy quite an avid and healthy interest in having creative and lusty sex with their men. They’re not meant to pretend that they’ve had an orgasm or that they’re fully satisfied if that’s not the case. Yet, even in modern times, women still feel the need to protect the fragile ego of their men. That’s not the way to a successful relationship.

Couples that have been together happily for a long time swear by the importance of not only having sex, but also in talking about it. That doesn’t mean that you should talk it to death but, if there are some issues, those should be resolved and the only way to do that is through talking. Besides, if you talk things out beforehand, you can explain the rest through gentle direction during sex.

For instance, if a woman really wants a man to perform oral sex on her but he never seems to go in that direction; she should plainly tell him what she wants. Then, the next time they’re having sex, she can use movements to show him where he needs to go. The same is true for men when it comes to showing their partners something that they really like and want her to do. Working together in this manner makes sex and intimacy much more exciting for both partners.

Something to remember when talking to each other is that you need to keep any accusatory tones out of the conversation. When someone feels as if they’re being attacked in some way, they’re less likely to pay attention to what is being said to them. Instead, they go into full defense mode and refuse to hear the important things.

You’ll see that once your communication with each other is open, honest and caring, your relationship stands a much better chance of lasting a very long time; maybe even forever.

Use a Sex Agreement Form to help you bring up the topic of sex and open up the lines of communication.

A Lackluster Sex Life – Getting Your Sex Life Back on Track

Has your sex life hit a snag?

Does sex feels like just a routine, do you just do it out of a sense of duty? (If you even do it all).

If you answered yes, then you are not alone. Many couples reach a point in their relationship where they are no longer interested in sex for one reason or another. Whether it is the problems of everyday life invading your minds or there is just nothing attracting you to your partner.

Many persons find it difficult to make love when they have to be thinking about the bills or the children or illness, etc. It really is hard to perform when stressed, but it would be a good idea to make love to your partner because it is a really good stress reliever.

If you find yourself thinking about dinner for the kids or play dates, hire a babysitter for the night or let them have a sleep over at a trusted family member or friend.

If you once enjoyed being intimate with each other, then there is hope that the spark can always be rekindled. You just have to be determined go back to where you were or to be even better. Negotiating a sexual agreement is a great way to get things back on tract. Also, the following are a few ways you can rekindle the sexual intimacy:

  • If the kids are at home or you live with friends/ family, send them away for a night or, if you can afford it, go to a hotel.
  • If you are a couple that always have sex in the bedroom, go in the bathroom/kitchen/living room and explore other surfaces and techniques. Have sex under the shower with the water running down your bodies. Men lift your women up or lean her against the wall. Make it fun and stress free.
  • Have sex the wayhttps://sexagreements.com/?ap_id=drharmony you did when you just met – if you used to have sex anytime of the day and anywhere, then try that again. The key is to go back to where you were. What is it that attracted you to your partner? What is it that you liked about the sex?

Now to set the scene for lovemaking –

  • Get into the mood by sending each other intimate text messages in the day.
  • Men send your women flowers or chocolate, or simply send them lunch. The fact that you sent it without her asking means she is on your mind and every woman loves to know that their man is thinking about them. Ladies you can also send them gifts at work, send them something you know they like. Add an intimate touch to it – you can send them your lingerie and a message saying you’ll be home waiting for him to take it to you so that you can get dressed. He will now know what you want to happen when you get home and that you will be naked, waiting for him.
  • When he gets home make sure you are naked or wearing a bathrobe if you don’t feel comfortable walking around naked. Take the lingerie from him and prepare dinner in it, the visual will turn him on. Have dinner in the lingerie too, this is a prelude to what is to come.
  • Listen to some nice love songs and relax in each other’s arms.
  • Talk about how you met and what you loved about each other and this is sure to turn you both on. When you remember all the fun you used to have, you will want to relive that fun.
  • Increase your level of intimacy when you are ready to make love. Talk to each other; tell your partner what are your sexual likes and dislikes. Set the mood with wine or champagne, candles and roses.
  • Try new positions, and be creative. Prolong foreplay; stimulate your mind and senses before you begin penetration.

Try these tips and watch your light shine again, do not stop trying to please your lover. Be spontaneous and keep them guessing about what you’ll do next, and always make love like it’s the first time again. Don’t worry, stress makes it worse, just enjoy each other and you will be ok.

Why Sexual Intimacy Deteriorates After Marriage

The security of marriage should allow couples to explore their sexuality and feel comfortable making love to their partner and give them the freedom to do it more often. This is not the case though, as studies find that in many marriages sexual intimacy deteriorates after marriage.

Complacency is the number one reason for this, in my opinion. Couples get comfortable in their relationship; they feel as though they already have the prize so they don’t need to keep playing the game.  Women no longer dress attractive to come to bed, they have curlers in their hair and they sleep in sweats, etc. Men stop exercising, shaving and even showering, there is no longer any care as to how they look. Whatever you do though, never criticize your partner’s physical appearance; always find subtle ways to get them to improve. Criticizing will make it worse by lowering their confidence.

If your partner does not find you attractive then chances are the sex will be minimized. If there is any form of intimacy, it will not be out of a natural need and desire to be intimate, it will be out of a sense of duty and there is no pleasure in that. Couples need to take into account the fact that when they marry, they become one with their partner and they should ensure that their partner is being satisfied as well as themselves.

Routine sex is a big turn off; you have sex the same place, time and way once a week and expect to have a good sex life? That is just not logical, relationships need spice, and they need to be worked on and changed up a bit. Even if you have sex in your bed all the time, at least try new positions to break up the monotony and you will see improvement. Writing up a marriage sex contract can be a great way to introduce new things and keep your sex life constant and fresh.

Do not think that because you are married you should fulfill your ‘marital’ duty. Sex is not a chore, it isn’t something you should do out of duty. Making love should be done out of desire and mutual attraction. Let your intimacy flow based on your feelings for each other and you will never go wrong. Sex isn’t only intercourse, if at times you don’t feel like having intercourse but you are feeling a bit in the mood, there is always oral sex. You can give or receive and it is a good way to maintain intimacy in your sex life.

The only time some couples come in contact with each other is when they are having sex. There are no kisses in the mornings when they wake up or hugs when leaving for work. Try touching your partner without the goal of sex in mind and you will be surprised to see what this does for your relationship. Avoid only touching your partner when you want to have sex. Embrace and caress them every now and then.

Foreplay is usually forgotten when a relationship gets to this stage, but it adds to the pleasure for both participants. Spend time pleasuring each other in this way. When a woman gives birth the doctor tells her to place the newborn against her skin as soon as possible and this is because it increases the bonding experience of mother and child. This doesn’t apply to only mother and child so take your clothes off during lovemaking, and get that skin to skin contact with your partner.

Turn off the TV and do not answer your cell phone or emails when being intimate with your spouse. That time is for only the both of you and you should not allow anything to ruin it.

6 Ways to Use YouTube to Improve Your Sex Life

In today’s society there are so many things we can do and learn without having to pay a dollar. We can find almost anything on the internet and this sometimes makes life so much easier for us. There are things we want to know and are embarrassed to ask and many of us, myself included, are grateful for the invention of the internet. YouTube provides us with not only information, but videos to actually show us what to do.

In today’s society there are so many things we can do and learn without having to pay a dollar. We can find almost anything on the internet and this sometimes makes life so much easier for us.

So when your married sex life needs a little improvement, you can use YouTube to do that. Here’s how:

  1. Search for videos on how to improve your sex life – After doing this, you will see a lot of videos come up. Many will be stating reasons why your sex life needs improving and what could be going wrong in your relationship, while others will be stating the various ways to improve it.
  2. How to exercise for better sex – This search will show you various exercises geared at improving your sex life. They are designed to make you more flexible so that you can be more adventurous in bed. Not only are these fun, they are also educational and you will tone a few muscles in the process.
  3. Yoga for better sex – Here you will find yoga poses and positions that will definitely improve your sex life. You can try the ones you are most comfortable with and you will be surprised at how fun sex becomes. These will teach you to incorporate all aspects of yoga in your sex life to have earth shattering sex with your husband or wife.
  4. Sex Positions – This search will undoubtedly have you blushing. There is a wealth of video tutorials on countless sex positions available. The favorites of both men and women and positions on how to optimize stimulation as well.
  5. Oral Sex – Tips and tips galore! There are tips on how to give oral sex to women and men here. If your husband doesn’t know what to do, you can take him to YouTube and vice versa. These videos will make you feel like you are being taught in a school or by a sex therapist.
  6. Foreplay – This search will result in numerous videos on how to give or enhance foreplay, whether by hand or mouth and will also show you how to give foreplay without even touching your spouse. Some will teach you how to give foreplay all day long via the various methods of technology now at our disposal.

Whether your sex life is in a rut or you are just looking for ways to make it better, YouTube is where you will definitely find great solutions. There are tutorials on just about every question you may have and they are free and at your disposal. If your wife doesn’t like your oral sex skills or you just need to learn new tricks to make her melt, that is where you can learn. With YouTube, you will be able to see and not only read the answers to your questions. Watch your videos and enjoy!

Use these tips along with our Marriage Sex Contract to spice up your love life!

How To Make Your Husband Want More Sex

It is very frustrating when one partner wants sex more than the other. Though there are many ‘toys’ now available for our intimate needs, we prefer a person, in particular, our special person that we are in love with. Men aren’t the only ones who sometimes don’t get enough sex. Women suffer from this too, and it is just as hard for a woman as it is a man.

For the women who want to get their husbands more interested in sex, follow these tips:

  1. The first thing you have to do is to find out why he has lost interest in sex. After you have discovered this, then you can move forward and try to find a solution to the problem. If his sex drive is lowered because of stress or alcohol or low testosterone levels, this can be fixed. Find out what is stressing him out and help him to get through it and hopefully all will be back to normal. For alcohol, you have to get him to stop drinking, if he is an addict then you will have to get him into an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and get him help. If his testosterone levels are low, there are medications for that but use that only if after trying these tips, nothing works.
  2. Seduce him – Wait on him when he gets home from work and make sure you are dressed attractively, but you don’t have to be naked. Make him his favorite meal, be extra nice and cater to his every need. Be attentive and let him feel in control as you watch him fall right in your net of seduction. Maintain eye contact and find reasons to touch him. For example, reach into his pocket for the keys, or rest your head on his shoulders and tell him you feel a bit faint.
  3. Say his name – Instead of using pet names, address him by his name. He will know that you are thinking of only him and no-one else.
  4. Compliment him – If your husband is one of those who thrive off of compliments, then you need to be showering him with them. Give him a verbal fore-play, tell him how big and strong he is and how thick and firm his muscles are today. He will be feeling like a king and more open and interested in sex after this.
  5. Flirt with him – Bat your lashes, lick your lips, he is your husband and you should know what he likes and what will turn him on. Dip in your little bag of tricks that have worked on him before and try them again.
  6. Flashback – Remind him of a particular sexual escapade that you think he enjoyed the most. Just randomly bring it up in your conversation and watch him rise to the occasion. Include him in your story by saying things like “did you remember when we did this?” or “I liked it when you did this, did you enjoy it?” He will be ready and waiting for you.

Remember that you have to find out what the issue is first and then work on making it better. Try to negotiate an fun arrangement with him. You can use our Marriage Sex Contract to guide the way and get him excited about sex again. We hope he is all over you again soon!

Enhance Your Sex Life with Porn

Most people find porn to be something dirty or otherwise offensive. A significant portion of that group of people is typically female. On the other hand, men tend to enjoy looking at and reading porn. It provides quite a bit of excitement for them sexually and many men use it as a masturbatory aid. In the case of couples, though, porn can be quite the sexual aid. However, there are some rules that apply.

Which type?
The type of porn used should be something that excites both of you; not just one of you. Generally, there are types of porn that both partners enjoy just as there are different types that the partners like separately. A good example of this is the popularity of girl on girl porn. Numerous men love to watch lesbians in action as well as lesbian couples themselves. On the other hand, many straight women do not seem to relish the idea of watching two women having sex. If your situation is such where one of you enjoys watching women together and the other one does not, it will be necessary to find another form that you both may find exciting. There are couples, though, where both partners love to watch women with other women. In these cases, lesbian action is perfect to get the juices flowing, so to speak.

Opening up
Unless you are adamantly against a particular type of porn, it is always a good idea to try to open your mind a bit. For instance, many women enjoy watching a video of a man masturbating. This may not do the trick for a lot of men simply because of psychological reasons. If these men understood just how turned on their women become while watching this type of porn, they might decide to change their minds about it. In fact, they don’t even have to watch the video. They can simply watch their female partners watching the videos and enjoy how excited they get. This will also help to rev up the guys because of how excited their women are.

The setup
The best way to use porn to enhance your relationship is to actually plan an evening alone where you will not be disturbed. Now, while it is quite possible these days to find all of the porn videos that you want on the Internet; it is a lot more fun if you can watch these videos on a television screen rather than a computer monitor. That leaves plenty of room for you and your partner to act on your building passion while you watch the movie. You won’t have a computer in the way.

Pretend that you and your partner are actually the actors in the movie and that you are the ones doing what they are. It can be one of the most exciting experiences the two of you have ever had together. Let the movies give you ideas to try out later. You can even incorporate these ideas into a spicy Sex Agreement.  Nothing is more titillating than something new, different and, yes, even forbidden. Porn videos offer quite a variety of those very ideas.